Posted in Hipocrite, Journey, Monologues, Uncategorized

To The One Who Promised Me A Forever Love

“I was deeply in love with you, but now it’s all gone. No more love for you”.

Oh Love, did you know how big the hole is in me when you said that? You saw me through your window with an angry look. You spoke to me that night, our very last moment, in a very angry way. I didn’t see you. It wasn’t you. Your eyes were full of anger and hatred. Those are not the eyes which put me on my knees. You were totally a different person.

“You took me back to the scene when I was with my ex-wife. And since I divorced her, I promised myself I won’t be in that kind of situation anymore”.

Oh Love, please tell me what have I done. Please explain to me… Was I that bad? Did I humiliate you in public? Did I spit on you? Did I do any physical abuse on you? Tell me, love. I begged you on my knee, I non stopably told you that I love you so much. All my words then were just another fire for you that lit your heart with anger and hatred. Are those for me? Or you threw you resentments towards your ex-wife to me? Did I really deserve that kind of treatment?. I have really lost you. Maybe I have never owned you, It’s obvious that you never loved me. You desire me, I admit it, but no love for me. None. Never. You punished me as if you were punishing your ex-wife. Tell me, truthfully if that was fair. Tell me from your heart if I really deserve that?

Dear Love, you have given love a very bad name. You stained it with your anger, ego, and hatred. Oh, maybe you didn’t realize it for you are sick. You’re carrying the deep unhealed pain from your marriage and shout to the world that you are a healed one, meanwhile, you’re trying to cover those bleeding wounds. I am hurt too, Love. I have knives stabbed in me, I’m bruised, I have unhealed open wounds too and they bleed more since you dumped me into a hell.

Let me tell you how I differ from you; I know what love is. Therefore, I always have the love for you. The same kind of love before you said: “I was deeply in love with you”. This love for you is even growing bigger and stronger as you revealed your true colors. Nothing will change the love I have for you.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Mati Keinginan

Seberapa seringkah, saya meluangkan waktu untuk diri sendiri? Sebagai seorang introvert, sendirian menjadi hal yang berharga dan sangat penting. Namun, apakah itu berarti saya benar-benar meluangkan waktu untuk diri saya sendiri dalam kesendirian?. Momen di mana, idealnya menjadi peluang bagi saya untuk memberikan perhatian kepada apa yang saya rasakan, bukan yang saya inginkan. Kedua hal ini kerap membingungkan.

Keinginan berkembang, bertambah, tidak pernah selesai. Seringkali, Rasa dipaksa untuk mengikuti apapun yang terjadi dalam proses pencapaian keinginan-keinginan tersebut. Tidak jarang, bahkan ketika proses tersebut baru saja berjalan, ada Rasa yang menuntut ingin didengar. Kadang terasa nyaman seolah ada energi yang menyemangati pikiran, kadang terasa menyesakkan seolah ia adalah alarm. Sialnya, saya seringkali berdebat dengan Rasa ketidaknyamanan. Meminggirkannya, bahkan kemudian sering menyeretnya untuk berbaikkan dengan keinginan-keinginan.

Tapi, sejauh apa Rasa harus didengar dan dijadikan bahan pertimbangan?. Suatu hari saya pernah menghabiskan waktu berjam-jam memikirkan tentang kematian. Rasa yang timbul? Nyaman mendominasi. Makna dari kematian, menurut ajaran esoteris adalah, bebas dari keinginan. Ketika pikiran mulai mendalami kata keinginan, seketika itu juga saya merasa sangat sedih. Jika benar, kematian itu tidak terelakkan, betapa diri ini akan sangat sedih, was was, dan takut ketika kematian datang dan keinginan masih mendominasi diri. Namun, mungkinkah keinginan dijadikan hanya sebagai pelengkap hidup saja? Bukan sebagai yang mendominasi?.

Seseorang berkata, hidup yang  dipenuhi dengan kesadaran, akan membantu manusia dalam menghadapi dan menjalani kematian. Bahwa, segala sesuatu yang membutuhkan ruang dan waktu adalah alat-alat latihan untuk keberserahan diri, untuk kematian yang membebaskan. Menurutnya, apa pun itu yang terjadi selama diri ini berada di dimensi ruang dan waktu, mempunyai sifat yang sama; mereka akan hancur. Katanya, “lepaskan saja dengan sadar, seringan melepas nafas”.

Keinginan berkata, “saya ingin melepas nafas terakhir saya, seringan saya melepasnya sebelum kematian menjemput”.

Posted in Bukan (hanya) Aku, Journey, Monologues, Uncategorized

Readiness

As you are now the owner of my heart, may I help you to take a good care of it?
The heart I gave you, isn’t a perfectly shaped heart. It had been wounded deeply many times. You see those scars? Few wounds are still wide open, unhealed.
I, as the one who gave you this heart have surrendered to the unseen, the divine owner of myself. Thus, I trust myself to humbly give the heart to you.
If i may say, this heart doesn’t look for a healer. It greatly thirsts for honesty, for it believes, that only honesty that could lead to trust and respect.
I gave you this heart because of love and for love. Nothing else.
Posted in Bukan (hanya) Aku, Hipocrite, Journey, Monologues, Uncategorized

What do you know?

When you aggressively knocked on my door, i answered you from my window : “please go away, you don’t want me to open the door”. But you were still there, knocking. Non stop.
No, I’m not interested on the flowers you brought me. Not even on the sparkling diamond . You just don’t want me to open the door, you’ve seen enough what’s inside only through my window. But you were there, knocking. Still.
“Shit!” I cursed myself, as i’m opening the door. I let him in. I was terrified. He calmly stepped in and took a seat at a corner. I didn’t want to be close to him.
Now, you’re asking me to open the door again. I should let you go. You have only known what you know from a corner.
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He didn’t say he wanted to go, he told me about the beauty of his love to me while he was  waving through my window to another window of an open house. “I trust you, he said”.
I let him go. He must go. He doesn’t even deserve a corner in my place.
Don’t ask about my heart.
Posted in Cafe, Croatia, Journey, Travel, Uncategorized

Did he know?

That night, a year ago, my first visit to the corner. She walked towards me then took a place next to me. She put her head on me. Soft & warm she is. I feel loved. Then I left her.
That night, when I walked home, I passed the corner. She was there. I stopped as she said hi to me.  She sat next to a man who then smiled at me. He introduced her to me. His eyes were calm. I didn’t know his name. Since then, last year I never saw them again. But, I have his calm eyes somewhere in me. Not in my heart, that place is not to keep anything.
I left. They didn’t say goodbye. They weren’t there.
That day, the corner was the first place I said hi to right away when I arrived. They weren’t there.
That night, after the concert, I walked home passing the corner, hoping to see them. Oh, they weren’t there. No, I don’t keep them in my heart.
That night, after the dinner, I stopped at the corner to warm myself. He was behind the bar, that eyes! Then she came, looked me in the eyes, then walked away.
That night, when I was trying to warm myself, he came and wrapped a red blanket around me. He looked me in the eyes when I thanked him. That smile, that eyes! Nothing beats faster. My heart isn’t a place to keep anything inside.
That night, a red blanket, calm eyes & a smile. I don’t want to lose them. They make me smile.
Posted in Hipocrite, Monologues

Mendaras Doa “Keadilan”

Aku masih ingat, beberapa jam setelah jasadmu dibalut tumpukan tanah merah, pembicaraan mengenai apa yang kau tinggalkan sudah dimulai. Saat itu, ingin rasanya aku memecah pembicaraan tersebut dengan membakar semua foto-foto dirimu di depan hidung mereka. Agama diseret sebagai dasar keadilan dalam membagi harta peninggalanmu. Ah, lagi-lagi kata “Agama”.

Kini, mereka menyeretmu kembali ke dunia, seolah kalaupun kau bisa peduli, kau akan berterima kasih atas apa yang sekarang mereka lakukan atas namamu, atas nama agama yang selama hidupmu kau yakini, lebih mulianya lagi, atas nama keadilan. Sampai saat ini pun, aku masih belum paham tentang keadilan. Apalagi  mengenai keadilan yang dikaitkan ke neraca untung rugi.

Justice

Pah, kalau kau masih bisa peduli tentang update masalah keluargamu, tolong sampaikan kepada Sang Pemilikmu, untuk segera menghentikan drama yang mengatasnamakan keadilan ini, hentikanlah mereka yang kerap menunggangi agama sebagai alat untuk memuaskan ego. Aku sih, tidak akan terkaget-kaget kalau kemudian hari mereka akan menghias rak ego mereka dengan nama tuhan mereka, tuhan yang mereka daulat sebagai tuhanmu.

Kini, mereka sedang bersaing strategi. Membentuk kubu, memupuk curiga, menjadi hakim-hakim amatir. Mungkin beberapa dari mereka tengah mengukir doa-doanya dengan apa yang mereka sebut sebagai (lagi-lagi) keadilan. Mungkin mereka sudah mendaras doa yang sama sejak kau dan saudara-saudaramu masih mampu ikut campur dalam menjaga kerukunan. Kini, setelah kalian semua terlepas dari jatah ego keduniawian, mereka muncul dengan dalih “menuntut hak”.

Rumah tempat kau dan ayahmu menghembuskan nafas terakhir kalian, kini terasa seperti neraka. Kami diposisikan sebagai pengungsi yang sudah habis masa suakanya. Sungguh, kenapa baru sekarang? Kenapa tidak pada saat kau dan saudara-saudaramu masih mampu menjelaskan duduk perkaranya?. Strategi picik ini seolah sudah mereka siapkan berpuluh tahun lamanya dan kematianmu menjadi bagian di dalamya.

Kami; anak-anak dari pernikahan ke dua-mu dianggap buta dan tuli.  Iya, kami memang buta dan tuli atas apa yang telah menjadi kesepakatan antara kau dan saudara-saudaramu. Kami hanya mampu meraba apa yang dulu kalian sepakati melalui tumpukan-tumpukan akta notaris yang sudah menguning. Tumpukan akta yang menurut mereka tidak sesuai dengan dasar-dasar keadilan yang tertuang di agama mereka.

Bicara menuntut keadilan, adakah satu dari mereka yang tahu besarnya kerugian psikologis yang menggantungi kami sedari kami kecil?. Masa kecil kami indah berhiaskan berbagai jenis kekerasan verbal, fisik dan mental. Kami dipaksa untuk memahami dan memaafkan kata-kata kotor yang terlontar dari mulut anak pertamamu setiap kali beliau merasa tidak ‘dipuaskan’. Kami harus menelan dan merenda air mata kesakitan kami setiap kali beliau kehilangan kendali akan tangannya dan melukai pipi, dan paha kami. Kami tidak boleh terhenyak ketika beliau melempar piring dan menyiramkan air panas ke Asisten Rumah Tangga kami. Sampai detik ini, kami dipaksa untuk menerima dan memaafkan itu semua. Semua runutan kesakitan itu masih tersimpan rapi di ingatanku, karena aku belum berhasil menutup lukanya. Keadilan?

Mungkin sekarang beliau akan berkata: “ah, kapan aku melakukan itu semua? Ada bukti?” atau “Kalian semua tahu, bahwa otakku beberapa tahun terakhir ini mengalami gangguan, aku tidak ingat aku pernah melakukan itu. Jika ya, mohon dimaafkan”.

Aku masih sangat ingat dengan jelas sebuah episode saat  Kau menangis di tengah shalat malammu, Pah. Rintihan sesakmu mengiris ratusan luka yang aku pendam. Hanya nama TuhanMu yang hadir di isakmu saat itu.

Mari bicara keadilan, karena aku tidak paham.

Sudahlah Pah, mungkin tolong sampaikan kepada Tuhan bahwa aku kecewa. Ah, mungkin tidak perlu, karena aku pun orang jahat yang seenaknya menjatuhkan penilaianku terhadap para pemburu itu. Maafkan, maafkan, maafkan. Tidak ada satu kata pun, yang pantas untuk aku jadikan pembelaan kenapa tulisan ini begitu sarat akan kemarahan.

Tuhan, Kau memang Maha Kuasa.

 

Jakarta, 8 Juni 2017.

 

 

*Image Source : http://truedollarjournal.blogspot.co.id

Posted in Croatia, Journey, Travel

Croatia_Journey into Self

It was pretty a long journey for me to get to Croatia. I departed from Bali, went to KL for a night, then Srilanka for another night, then Rome. From Rome, I took a flight to Split and from there, traveled to Makarska by bus.

Makarska is a town of about 15,000 but it’s one of the famous tourist destinations of Europe. In the tourist season, grows by more than 50,000. The town has two beautiful kinds of scenery which exist side by side –  Beaches with clear emerald water and the looming presence of Mount Biokovo which rises immediately behind the town. It’s the stuff of postcards and there are many to be found. The sea and the mountain communicate a combination of softness and firmness. Right away I fell in love with the elegance of this city.

Upon my arrival in Makarska, I was greeted with a plate of local food; prosciutto, pickled olives, cheese and salami, and a bottle of homemade wine. Again, I fell in love.

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After one month  in Makarska, I began to feel uneasy. I had arrived in time when the town  was still pretty empty of tourists. As one of tourists destinations of Europe, the locals’ behavior is somehow pretty much different compared to Asians. Perhaps, because I was still heavily affected by the unpleasant experience at Fiumicino Airport, I judged the locals in Makarska to be as rude as the Fiumicino airport people. It was as if Fiumicino was embedded in my mind and I was seeing the world through the prism of that experience. On top of that, one day an old lady yelled at me just because I was trying to help her to separate her groceries from mine at a supermarket. The eyes of the elderly scrutinized  me from top to toe censoriously.

I was uncomfortable with all of it, as if scraped back to the bare bones of all my traumatic experiences. Bit by bit traumas were popping up in my mind and produced disturbing emotions and I unconsciously recalled those experiences; Verbal and physical abuse during my childhood, physical and psychological abuse during my marriage, the loss of my second baby, the divorce, and of course the Fiumicino experience.

The grave of my past emotions was increasingly haunting me, bringing me to a state of despair. My state led a good friend from the UK came to visit me in Makarska to help. Thank God, his presence helped me to get back to myself. After his return to UK, I spent most of my time walking alone in the woods behind my partner’s house and meditating. Slowly I began to accept the traumatic experiences as part of my inner-self journey.

When i was in Bali by myself, i successfully managed to bury those hurtful experiences deeply. With series of spiritual experiences, I thought, I had overcome them all. But maybe, the journey in Bali prepared me to face my hidden ghosts.

Croatia could be considered as a new country. Their independence was 25 years ago and the birth of that country was part of a terrible trauma where outsiders threatened to prevent independence. Slowly i began to understand why some of the elderly looked at me so cynically. Slowly, along with self-acceptance of my traumas, and trying to think positively – the surroundings changed. The universe seemed to flow in tune with my change. A few times, I met some locals, they greet me and threw a smile and sometimes even stopped for a while to chat with me. I even managed to make friends with a Barista.

Three months in Croatia has made me aware of the energy of the universe, about the meaning of forgiveness, of loving myself, of surrender. Croatia, with its own way – a blend of hard and soft, quickly has made me learn more about myself and the energy of the universe. That they are work together hand in hand, and respond to each other.

Without kirtan, without Bali fragrant incenses, without Hindu mantras, without a spiritual guide, I give my heart to this country. This place is my second home now, just like Bali. Croatia has made me understand about the harmony between mind and the energy of the universe.